by Michael McKay
The recent spate of tornados across America’s heartland has demonstrated an immediate need for a Tornado Registry. The predatory nature of tornados has been well documented. They have a worrisome tendency to come out of nowhere, without warning, wreaking havoc against defenseless citizens. They are known to hide their identities by using colorful aliases such as Twister, Vortex, Cyclone, Dust Devil, or Whirlwind. They are proven killers with evil intent, and they are coming for our children!
The perverse and deviant behavior of tornados was well-documented in the 1939 film, “The Wizard of Oz.” The award-winning film depicts what happened when a tornado (using the pseudonym “Cyclone”) abducted a young girl and her dog from a rural farmhouse in Kansas and delivered her to a bizarre midget cult in an unknown place. During her harrowing ordeal, she was threatened by a mentally disturbed woman with a shoe fetish, groomed by a trio of suspicious characters, attacked by flying monkeys, and secretly observed by a mysterious, megalomaniac from behind a curtain. The fact that she survived to tell the tale was truly a miracle.
“Twister,” a movie produced in 1996, was another insightful demonstration of the dangers of unregistered tornados to humans and cattle alike. The film’s infamous “flying cow” scene powerfully conveys how a tornado’s deviant attractions can manifest itself in bizarre and alarming ways. The cow in question (whose name has been withheld to protect the 6-year old bovine) had been targeted and stalked by the tornado before being violently plucked from her home pasture in mid-moo and whisked across state lines for unknown purposes.
The danger doesn’t go away when the tornado dissipates, either. Widely believed faux statistics show that 99.9% of tornados that kill will eventually return to kill again. Some “scientists” claim that correlation is not causation, but we were able to find at least one subject matter expert in a completely unrelated field of study who was able to corroborate our conclusion that the relevant peer-reviewed published academic studies on tornados shouldn’t be taken at face value.
To combat this rising tide of destruction, some residents of “Tornado Alley” have recently formed a community action group called “Concerned Citizens Who Think Tornados Should be Shot or at Least Strung Up by the Balls, If They Had Balls” (CCWTTSSLSUBITHB). They have proposed a five-tiered tornado registry that would categorize tornados by severity, ranging from F-1 (the least severe) to F-5 (the most severe.) Under the terms of the proposed registry, tornados in the F-3 to F-5 categories would be prohibited from approaching schools, parks, libraries, or any other place where children may congregate.
They would also be required to check in with local law enforcement authorities before visiting the community for any period exceeding twenty seconds. Failure to do so could result in a hefty fine or even confinement. A multi-billion-dollar confinement facility for tornados is being constructed nearby for just that purpose. State auditors say that the new facility is expected to bring at least 400 new jobs to the community, along with increased tax revenues and other opportunities for graft.
If you suspect that you are being targeted, threatened, or abused by a tornado, please call the State Tornado Abuse Hotline at (888) TOR-NADO. Operators are standing by 24 hours a day and you will be charged just $2.95 for the first minute + $1.99 for each minute thereafter. Take as long as you like to tell us just how creepy the tornados have been to you. We’re here because we care.
Or, you can go to our website and use our interactive maps to learn if a tornado lives anywhere near you! Just $7.95 per search.
Do it for the children.